Classified ONEMI report of Santiago Snow

Snow falling along Apoquindo with its buildings in the background

Yes, we got our hands on the…

CLASSIFIED: Official ONEMI report of Santiago Snow

Warning: Very politically incorrect humour

Heavy rain and snow hit Santiago in the morning of 18 of August 2011, in particular devastating the Puente Alto and La Dehesa suburbs.

The storm has completed devastated the Puente Alto area causing approximately US$400 worth of damage while in La Dehesa at least 3 cars per family were destroyed along with countless drowned poodles.

In La Dehesa, many locals were woken well before their morning lattes arrived and the national newspaper, the Meculio and the News Departments of 2 TV Channels reported that thousands of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Santiago – on a Thursday morning.

At daybreak victims from La Dehesa were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Qué atroh!, Qué atroh!” (How atrocious!) while in Puente Alto people were heard remembering their family members “Conchasumadre!”.

The Chilean Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 cups of latte to La Dehesa to help the stricken locals that can’t make it to Starbucks. People in Puente Alto are still waiting for their Marraqueta bread to arrive.

One resident in Puente Alto – Juanita Perez Perez, a 15-year-old mother of 4 said ‘It was such a shock, my little girls Britany and Jesenia came running into my bedroom crying though my youngest two, Bryathan and Iloveny, slept through it all.’

Apparently, drink driving, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal in both suburbs.

Rescue workers are still searching through the snow covered vehicles and have located large quantities of personal belongings, including fake jewellery, boxes of blond-coloured hair dye, and La Polar credit cards.

* HOW YOU CAN HELP *

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

To help those in La Dehesa the following clothing is sought after:
Polar bear fur-lined jackets (with extra pockets for the iPhone, iPad and iPhake), Knee-high Pudu leather boots and Saigon silk nightshirts.

To help those in Puente Alto the following clothing is sought after:
Baggy jeans, bling bling, basketball shirts, hip-hop caps with silver rims, thick dangly neck chains and more bling bling as well as any other items usually sold in Ferias (markets) later in the year when these items will no longer be required.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same, even in La Dehesa.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Sushi, million-peso bottles of rum and Icelandic cavier.

For Puente Alto donations of $1000 pesos will be taken to buy a packet of Lucky Strike cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected in that suburb.

NOTE: This is a overly corrupted version of something I got via e-mail about the snowstorm that hit New Zealand a couple of days ago. I changed it considerably and added more to reflect Santiago classism and the freak snow that hit the city today.

You might want to check out our photos of the Snow in Santiago from today.

What else could be added?

 

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6 Responses to “Classified ONEMI report of Santiago Snow”

  1. Philip Smith Ruiz August 18, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

    Nice joke.

  2. Emily in Chile August 18, 2011 at 7:56 pm #

    Oh my gosh, between the “que atroh!” and the kids’ names, I’m dying. Loved it!

    • Rob W. August 18, 2011 at 8:34 pm #

      Yes the Iloveny (i love ny) is a real name! I saw it in the newspaper about stupid names people give their kids at the Civil Registry and that one stuck in my head!

  3. Deidre August 22, 2011 at 10:47 pm #

    How funny! I feel similar about how Melbournians react to “cold weather” or rain. Le sigh.

    • Rob W. August 22, 2011 at 10:55 pm #

      Well, you have had some strange weather in OZ of late. Is there a big (or noticeable) social class difference in Melbourne?

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