Chile’s Primetime News

The Chilean 9 o'clock news

The wonderful world of Chile’s primetime 9 o’clock News

The following percentages of airtime are based on years of scientific observation of the open tv news using high precision stopwatch calculations and a bucket of beer…

Pie chart showing the percentage of airtime of the Chilean primetime News at 9

1. 25% BALLS
Chileans love balls… mainly footballs, occasionally tennis balls and did I mention footballs? And it gets worse once the football season starts where you get to see the same goal from 10 different angles, in slow motion, fast forward, upside down… much like a porno.

2. 15% Random shit the president does
Does anyone really care? It’s only funny when the president says something stupid like protecting the Chilean leopard (doh, there have never been any in the entire continent, ever) or when they event words like “Marepoto” (= something like an Assquake at sea).

3. 15% How to steal stuff
It’s like Discovery Kids for thieves showing Banks getting robbed or the latest tricks for stealing ATMs.
Let’s repeat and learn the different and new exciting ways of stealing stuff.
Even though there are probably dozens of burglaries every day, they love showing rich people’s houses getting broken into. Said with a nasal cuico (snobby upper class) voice “They stole 5 of our plasmas, a million dollars worth of jewels, hit three of our nanas (household help) and one of the bitches went and bled all over our Persian rug.”

4. 10% Some hospital fuck-up
I mean, amputating the wrong leg or removing a kidney instead of a pus-filled pimple. WTF?
And it’s always the same hospitals (never go to the hospital in Talca, not even for a cold unless you are up to being castrated). In winter the percentage of screen time goes up with the latest mutant virus outbreaks where cameras love zooming in kids with snot hanging down to their lower lip. And then there are the guys that die in the waiting room…

5. 10% Their own TV show promo
Blatantly promoting their own crap as if it were newsworthy. Around March you’ll find 25% of the “news” is about their upcoming Teleserie (Teleserie = the local soap opera which normally only lasts 6 months or so and then the bad guy dies, gets caught or becomes a virginal nun).
If it’s not their own soap opera, then it’s their latest reality show set about 100, 200 or even 2000 years ago where the same people have the same fake fights (or at least great make-up sex) as they did in the rigged/scripted reality before.

6. 10% Some wannabe famous person burped or something
I don’t give a shit about Miss Siliconlips and her latest break-up fight at a nightclub. Leave it for those gossip shows, not the news.

7. 5% Weather
The reality is that only 1% is about the weather, the rest some annoying promo crap thing bouncing across the screen.
“Ah, it’s going to be as hot as a camel’s testicle in the north, and as wet as a prostitute in a sauna in the south… nothing new there so let’s promote a useless product for the remaining time. You really need this llama spit herpes removal cream. I swear by it…”

8. 5% International News
Most international news involves football player transfers, some weird weather footage (always morbidly interesting) or… or, or… that’s about it. It’s seems like, ok, we got this international shit out the way now let’s get back to news about boobs on the beach.

9. 5% Hot babes
The “news” is about some car fair, mining expo or something else that nobody remembers because they’re too busy looking at the models and if they have any clothes, the tighter the better. In summer about 25% of the news is some report that gives them the excuse to zoom in on scantily clad women sunbathing at the beach. Seriously, you don’t need to get so close as to see the pubic hairs that have escaped from under the thong (why you should comb every morning!)

Talking about babes, you may also want to see our other article about: Dumb Skimpy Clothed Models on Chilean TV

Did our scientists miss anything?

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7 Responses to “Chile’s Primetime News”

  1. Emily February 7, 2011 at 11:25 am #

    This. Is. HYSTERICAL. And so spot on. Sometimes I feel like I should watch the news more, but then I remember it’s crap anyway. The only thing I watch is 24 Horas or CNN Chile in the mornings.

    • woodward February 7, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

      Same here, I can’t be bothered watching it either because it’s the same stuff every time. I usually get informed via internet now.

  2. Abby February 7, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    Hahahaha so true. If I watch the news (which is like, never) I know I can shut it off at 9:35 because that’s when they start talking about soccer.

    • woodward February 7, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

      The tricky thing is when they start the news with soccer!

  3. Eileen February 11, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

    oh, great hilarity. I am spared this drivel by the fact that I don’t own a television. I could watch the news on line, but with this lineup, why would I? Excellently played.

    • woodward February 13, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

      Yeah, I had no problem living without a TV for my first 3 years in Chile too. And now with internet, I suppose it would be even easier to get by without it.

  4. Kyle February 13, 2011 at 3:12 pm #

    This is SO good. You hit the nail on the head!

    Which explains why I haven’t watched Chilean news in ages. Good to know that nothing has change.d

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